The Truth...

Hey Daintys,

Today's post comes with a Warning simply because it contains the nitty-gritty reality of life. This post contains information about mental health and the struggles of it and why sometimes I just don't cut it.

I'm 21. I struggle to sleep. I struggle to get my body to work. I am often exhausted, and most days I don't even have to do any form of action to be exhausted. I don't drink Coffee only Tea. I don't work long hours because I can't. I don't go out much because it becomes too much of a chore rather than an enjoyment.

Many people who know me don't see this side and often don't understand how hard day to day life can be. I have often cried myself to sleep because its the only way I can exhaust myself enough to sleep.
I often cannot sleep despite my body and mind being tired. It's a vicious circle which leads to depression.
I have struggled for over 2 years and test after test all coming back normal it drove me to the breaking point. I feel lost and completely alone.
Where I am currently at is being referred to a chronic fatigue clinic. I am also taking Amitriptyline.
 I have been told that not everybody understands Chronic Fatigue some people say it doesn't exist, others say that it's all psychological.
I just want to set the record straight, I wish it was made up and it really wasn't a thing but unfortunately it is. It causes so much stress and heartache.
When I say that I struggle to get my body to work, I genuinely mean that sometimes I have to lay in a room for hours after I have woken up because my body says no.
I have to force myself to do simple daily tasks such as tidying up, popping to the shops, even making the bed tires me and I often have to sit down afterward to give myself a minute.
IT IS SHIT. IT IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SHIT. But do you know what is worse? it's all the additional shit that comes with it. The feeling of being completely useless and incapable, the feeling that you let everyone you know down. The feeling of being unable to explain how you feel or how you're struggling.
The funny thing is you stop caring for your self and you no longer care that you look a mess or that you didn't go to that party, but for some reason, you care that you've let others down. You care what they think. You care what they say, that's both what they say to you and what they say behind your back.
Yes, I am useless.
Yes, some days I don't do a single thing but sleep and sit.
Yes, some days I do very little. but that's a big achievement for me.
Yes, some days I turn down a catch up because I just simply can not do it, it is not because I don't want to. I would love for the day to come where I could say Yes to everything and do it all, but apparently, that day may never come.
I am struggling and I struggle daily. I don't expect everyone to understand but I just ask that people take other people situations into consideration, it isn't easy and it is complicated and you'll get mad and frustrated about not being able to explain how you feel or what is wrong.
But just take each day as it comes and some days will be good others will be bad, learn new things and teach yourself new ways to handle it.
I learned that blogging was an outsource and today is my truth in a short segment because nobody has a life that is perfect and there are many people in the same boat as you, if you all learn to sail in the same direction you will all achieve something great.

Much Love

xoxo